| Baseball Hall of Fame Voting Scandal (is very unlikely) |
| Written by Tuffy R. Tuffenstein | |
| Wednesday, 09 January 2008 | |
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EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT TUFFY! EXCLUSIVE!!! Intrepid readers, I have uncovered a shocking attempt to undermine the integreity of the most important vote so far this year. I spent actual moments considering verifying this report from an unnamed source on deep background cover slideshow screening hush hush too shy eye to eye double secret probation. A small band of first-time candidates gathered last weekend in New Hampshire to change the outcome of the biggest vote a bunch of old white people will make all year in the United States: the Baseball Writers of America's Hall of Fame vote. A number of former players eligible for the first time this year pulled together to take drastic action to prevent them from falling off the ballot by receiving less than five percent of the vote. Each voter received an identical letter postmarked Saturday from Nashua. I have received a copy of this letter and have transcribed it for you here. The original letter was built from letters trimmed from Safeway circulars and Ron Paul fliers pasted to résumé paper, obviously photocopied after completion. About three-quarters through the effort, though, the mystery author abandoned the scheme and started writing in longhand, drawing boxes around each letter to continue the effect. My sources tell me the handwriting matches that of checks signed by Travis Fryman in 1994 for performing in T*Fal cookware commercials. ("I'm the Fry Man...") Clearly, this devious plan worked on a few voters. It is the only plausible explanation available for why some players received any votes at all. It is shocking how corrupted the Hall of Fame voting process became this year, but it will be clear shortly how such an embarrassing set of votes could come to pass. The letter follows. Some language be inappropriate for the ill, aged, or easily offended. (Bill Conlin of the Philadelphia Inquirer is still in intensive care after reading his copy.) "Dear Hall of Fame Writer, We are aware you do not plan to vote for first time balloters in the Hall of Fame voting this year. We do not think this is a good idea. You should place a vote for at least one first time balloter. There should be at least one Hall of Famer out of that class. We do not wish harm to you or your family (except perhaps Keith Olbermann; does he have a vote?). However, we must insist you vote for one of the first time balloters this year. If not, we will be forced to take drastic measures. For example, if you do not vote for Shawon Dunston, he will swing a bat at your car. He will not miss unless it moves slightly. If you do not vote for Chuck Knoblauch, he will throw household objects at your pets until he hits one of them or his arm grows tired. Now you understand how serious we are. If you have grown daughters and do not vote for Chuck Finley or David Justice, they will be forced to try to marry your daughters. (Note: if your daughters are over 4'7" and/or know any Three Stooges defensive moves, they will not try anything with your daughters.) Please believe we will follow through with our threats. If you do not vote for Brady Anderson, he will show up at your home and demand an appearance fee of one olive loaf sandwich and a bag of kettle chips. He will not leave until you pay him or vote for him. (Note: this will probably happen anyway if you vote for him. Please feed him.) Finally, if you do not vote for Rod Beck, it's okay. He doesn't mind. Maybe you could vote for Robb Nen twice? Red Beck would think it's a good idea. We await your vote this year. Do not fail us or Jose Rijo will mail you the remains of one of the Schottzies. (He will. Dude's kinda gone weird since retirement.) Signed, Not the Players P.S. Tim Raines doesn't need our help; he was actually great on his own. It doesn't count if you vote for him." |
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| Last Updated ( Saturday, 12 January 2008 ) |